Friday, May 20, 2011

Phantom Baby

A few weeks ago I went in to see my Midwife Lindsey at St.Marks for my first pregnancy appointment. I knew I was about 11 weeks pregnant so I was really excited to hear the baby's heartbeat. She had the baby monitor on my belly looking for a heartbeat, after about five minutes she still couldn't find it. I knew something was wrong. I had a rush of nervousness come over me. She immediately brought out the ultrasound machine and tried again but this time looking for a fetus. To our shock there was nothing inside. Just a empty, black sac. Lindsey didn't panic she reassured me and explained sometimes the baby can be hiding. She made an appointment with the radiologist right away. But I knew, something told me there was no baby. I stayed calm and called Clint to meet me at the radiologist clinic to have an internal ultrasound.

Within 30 minutes I was in the radiologist office lying down and ready to see what was going on. She explained to us that I was technically 11 weeks pregnant because my uterus was the exact size of what it should be for my pregnancy but there is NO fetus. It was a real shock to actually hear it and see my empty uterus on the big screen. I hadn't miscarried or even had any bleeding, nothing. When I was getting changed in the bathroom I had a moment to myself, I cried for my baby.

I was eager to get back to my midwife so we could get the radiologist report and the Doctor's diagnosis. As we were waiting I had a flood of thoughts and emotions that it was my fault and I had caused this. I kept thinking what did I do. Was it the time I lifted a few heavy boxes or maybe the sashimi I ate. I was going crazy.

Eventually my midwife came in and explained that I have Blighted Ovum. A condition where the egg attaches to the uterus but never develops past an embryo. The first thing she said was 'Elle, this wasn't your fault' I let out the biggest sigh. She explained how common it is and how it could be either a bad egg or bad sperm. But the bizarre part about all of this is, how long it has taken for my body to catch up. I was still producing all the pregnancy hormones and genuinely felt pregnant and my uterus was still growing.

I am now at a weird stage were my daily thoughts are not consumed about my baby and the future. We are disappointed and we can't help it. I keep thinking, we will not have a little newborn by the end of the year, that's difficult to swallow. I was really looking forward to having another baby in our home. Instead I'm thinking weather to wait for my body to miscarry or take the medication or have the D and C surgery. We have decided to wait one more week, if nothing happens, then I will take the medication. I am not looking forward to any of it. I'm praying everyday for everything to go smoothly.

I don't feel pregnant anymore, last week I went through the baby blues phase where I would cry at a drop of a hat. Specially at the gym in the middle of my Zumba class or on the treadmill. Very awkward. I know it's my hormone level's dropping and my body is getting ready for whatever is next. But it's still hard coming to terms that there is NO baby. One day your very protective of your belly and what goes into your body and the next it all vanishes. There is nothing gradual about it. Your baby dreams are shattered and you start planing for the next chapter. The other downside is all the baby weight I have gained just from my crazy cravings and lack of exercise. Hence why I started going to the gym again. I was starting to feel a little depressed about it all and I really wanted to get off the couch and not want to sleep all day long. I have been in really good spirit's lately. My family and friends have been checking on me and offering help where ever they can. Which I'm deeply grateful for. I guess now we just wait and see. 




12 comments:

Megan said...

Oh Elle my heart is breaking for you guys. So so so sorry you had to go through this. You are in my prayers...

Norm, Lisa and Cache Nielsen said...

Elle, I am so so sorry. I am crying with you. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope that you feel better. Come to St. George again to relax:) Love you tons!

Jen Wade said...

I'm so sorry Elle, I know how you feel. It is hard but your strong and you have a good support system! I'll be thinking of you, let me know if you need anything!!

Nate & Lindsey said...

Elle, We love you so much. Please know we are thinking of you. Let us know if you need anything, I am so grateful you have friends and family there to support you. Much love.

Vince and Katie Morgan said...

We are so sad for you Elle and Clint! Your family is in our prayers and we hope everything goes how it should.

Allie said...

I'm sorry Clint and Elle. Thinking of you!

Anna said...

So sorry my dear! My heart goes out to you.
Hang in there sister. xoxo

Kit said...

Oh my goodness Elle!!! I am so sorry to hear this! I can't even imagine that feeling.

I am also guessing that we share the same fabulous midwife. I love that Lindsey. She is the best and I am sure will be checking up on you.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
Love you.

Ashley Shurtleff said...

Oh Elle, I am so sorry! I'll definitely be thinking about you and praying for you!

Jacelle said...

I am so sorry you guys had to go through all that. You've been in my thoughts. Hang in there. xoxo

Krista said...

so sorry.. hope you all are feeling a bit better. may not be the end of the year...but that little one will come. hugs

eMily eLiZaBeTh said...

big hugs elle. today was fun, love you girl :)